Adlin & Denise; Queens of Charm and Charisma.

im going to be transparent here.im just so tired of having to put up with it all.

all week, ive been trying to forget about everything and live the day as per normal.all week, ive been trying to appear as normal as possible.all week, ive been trying to focus with all this work.

BUT, all week, all i ever thought about was the band. everything i do leads me thinking of it, role-playing the whole thing again.ive stayed clear of the internet for four days to try and detox my mind of any memories of it all.but it just worsens every day.and it doesn help that rahimy and shayfern are telling me about how wonderful their band is.and im just so frustrated to pretend and sing the tune along with them.i mean, im extremely happy for them and everything.but now its just not the right time to tell me all about it.

and psychology lecture was another reality slap on the face.simon said the phrase one of the bander used to say "things dont happen by accident.they happen for a reason".and just as soon as he finished tat phrase, he concluded his lecture with the last song i played with the band at the istana about a year and two months ago. at that point of time, i was really close to breaking down.

i cant understand why am i so affected.and its annoying the wits out of me for not only do i feel emotionally challenged, its impairing my daily routine.and the worse thing now is, i don want to face my friends here in melbourne.i feel like an absolute bitch and moron saying this seeing how concerned they are.but the thing is, this friendship was built over a mask in which i concealed everything.but that thursday over lunch, they caught a glimpse of myself.and this is not the way its supposed to be.in fact, its frightening to even think they saw me this vulnerable.i dont even know how to face them now.

but the thing is, im fine.apart from that momentary burst of happiness over my biology marks, ive been going through the week feeling empty.and to think that i actually succeeded the whole week through, id say..im fine.

theres absolutely no way am i going to let anyone else know whats going through.but i cant bear the thought of bluffing my way through these friendships and lie to you about everything.i feel absolutely shitiffied and selfish to not be able to really be there for anybody.i cant even seem to handle myself just yet.

i need space.i need a breather.i need some time alone to get over this.